The Secular Recovery Group

‘Musterbation’ Makes Us Miserable

Don’t allow musts to live rent-free in your brain

Key points

What we tell ourselves under our breath can have profound effects on our emotional states.
One word that can bring the hammer down on your feelings about yourself is the word “must.”
‘Musterbation’ is a form of thinking that can make you miserable
It can also be a form of exclusion, especially in Traditional A.A..

Changing a word here and there may not seem like much. But if you regularly monitor what you say to yourself under your breath and switch a word here and there, you may be surprised at how such a little change can affect how you feel. The focus here is on one of the most troublesome little words that can bring the hammer down on our emotional well-being—the word “must.” There are many situations in which “must” words matter, such as when we say to ourselves, “I must do this,” “I must achieve that,” or its inverse, “I mustn’t do that.” Those of you who have experienced Tradition AA Recovery , may remember being given a task to find …”How many “Musts” are in the Big Book!…..103… ( 3^rd edition)….If you go to enough meetings, you’ll hear it said that in AA, …. “there are no musts, only suggestions”. Well, like most half-truths in A.A., if you hear them long enough you begin to believe them. For example:

I must turn in all things to the Father of Light who presides over us all.

Page 14

His defense must come from a Higher Power.

Page 43

Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities.

Page 85

Right here you can see a point of confusion, or all out rejection for a person holding Secular ideals.

The Tyranny of the Must

The word “must” derives from Old English roots meaning “to have to.” It is an imperative that dictates what we are required to do. Musts enter our vocabulary early in life when parents issue commands such as, “You must brush your teeth,” or “You mustn’t hit other children.” We are told what we must or mustn’t do and that we will suffer the consequences of violating these demands. Children also encounter musts in the context of religious or moral training, as when they learn about Biblical injunctions and commandments. The “must” is a lever used to socialize children to follow social rules, parental expectations, and moral teachings.

We may become so entrenched in the language of musts and its cousins in crime, the shoulds, ought-to’s, and have-to’s, that as adults we hold ourselves to absolutist standards and expectations that brook no exceptions. If we find ourselves or the world writ large falling short of meeting these internalized commandments, we may dump on ourselves or adopt a dour outlook on life in general. Here is a sampling of musts:

I must be more successful than my younger brothers.
I must be married before my 30th birthday.
I must succeed in everything I do.
I must get approval from everyone I meet.
I mustn’t make anyone angry with me.
I mustn’t get angry at someone else.
I must make every day count, and if I don’t, I’m a failure.

What are the musts knocking around in your head? Why are you letting them live rent-free in your brain?

‘Musterbation’ Is Harmful

The psychologist Albert Ellis famously challenged the tyranny of musts and shoulds, pointing out that many people make themselves miserable by imposing insistent demands on themselves, believing they must be competent in everything they do, always succeed or else, be loved and accepted by everyone, and never risk another person’s disapproval. Somewhat tongue-in-cheek, he referred to this practice as musterbation, which can have pernicious effects on our emotional well-being and cause emotional distress.

Ellis encouraged people to replace musts with more flexible preferences. For example, the belief, “I must be competent in everything I do,” can be replaced with a more flexible thought: “I want to succeed and would prefer to succeed, but I don’t have to succeed at everything I do.” In the first case, a rigidly held must can lead to a sense of personal failure when you fall short of a demand. In the second case, a failure or setback may be unfortunate, but it does not make you a failure as a person. We may want others to like us, but we can tolerate their disapproval. Tying self-worth to other people’s approval makes it dependent on the actions of others—actions we cannot directly control.

“I Must Have Your Approval, or Else!”

A common form of musterbation is believing you must at all times have the approval of everyone important to you, and that the risk of displeasing other people is the psychological equivalent of falling off the edge of the planet. One of my patients had spent his entire life as a people-pleaser. He was the dutiful and obedient son, the good student, the friend who would sacrifice anything for the other person. Throughout his life, he was the one person everyone could count on to take care of their needs—everyone’s needs, except his own. He had never allowed himself to recognize, let alone express his own needs, feelings, wants, or desires out of fear of garnering disapproval.

In the course of therapy, he began to question the musts of people-pleasing and of merely living as a reflection of what other people expected him to be.

The tyranny of people-pleasing has been recognized since antiquity. The wisdom of an ancient Stoic philosopher whose day job happened to be running the Roman Empire, the philosopher and Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius (121 – 180 A.D.), whose thoughts and reflections are compiled in his Meditations, which is widely considered to be among the classics of Western Civilization. In one passage, Marcus reminds us of an obvious contradiction—at least obvious when we lay it out logically—of putting the opinions of others above our own. As Marcus wrote, “It never ceases to amaze me: we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own.”

In A.A. where the quest for recovery is often manifested as “Desperation in the Extreme”, musts can be major obstructions to Modern recovery. Secular approaches to substance abuse, provide an essential expansion of that “Broad Highway” that is talked about, but not thoroughly implemented, Open minded investigation is an essential component to acceptance of the “program”, whereas some Musts appear to impede, or blatantly obstruct, recovery progress for Secular Individuals.

References

Edits and adaptation by SRG

Ellis, A. (1997). Must musturbation and demandingness lead to emotional disorders? Psychotherapy, 34(1), 95–98. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0087779

Ellis, A., & Harper, R. A. (1975). A new guide to rational living. Prentice-Hall.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-minute-therapist/202609/musterbation-makes-us-miserable