Stepping Beyond the Darkness of Shame
Learn how to recover the light of your essential goodness.
Key points
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Shame differs from guilt—it’s about feeling fundamentally flawed, not just about actions.
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Shame often originates from parental modeling, abuse, neglect, or lack of accountability.
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Talking openly about shame with trusted others is the first step in healing.
The feeling of shame is not talked about much. We feel it, and then call it low self-esteem or say we don’t feel good about ourselves. Sometimes, guilt gets confused with shame. Guilt is feeling bad about ourselves because of what we did. Shame is feeling like a bad person because of who we are. But shame isn’t just unfortunate. While sociopaths and psychopaths don’t feel guilt or shame, the rest of us usually do when we violate one of our core values. Hence, shame can also point us back to what it means to be in integrity.
Shame’s Breeding Ground
Let’s look at how our parents and other authority figures may have instilled a sense of shame in us.
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Physical or sexual abuse, or neglect. When children are abused or neglected, they tend to explain what’s happening as a result of them not being lovable or deserving of kindness. When children decide they are not enough, they are living in shame.
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Living in their own shame. Although parents may not shame their children, they can pass it on by modeling it.
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Verbal and non-verbal expressions of disgust, contempt, or humiliation. Yelling can communicate, “You’re not worth talking to civilly.” The non-verbal communication of shame can happen by hitting a child, as well as with a scowl or glare expressing disapproval.
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“Collage of shame.” John Bradshaw introduced the concept of the collage of shame, or internalized shame. This occurs when disparaging remarks are made about a child’s behavior, such as talking. The child can internalize the shame and respond feeling shameful when the most innocuous comments are made about talking.
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Not taking responsibility as the perpetrator. When parents or authority figures are abusive or neglectful, and they do not take responsibility for their behavior, there’s a vacuum of accountability. It’s common for the victims to be shamefully accountable.
Recovering the Light
We don’t need to continue living in the darkness of shame. Here are some steps leading out and into the light of your essential goodness.
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Talk about your shame. Shame breeds in denial and in silence. The weight of shame begins to lighten when you talk honestly about it with a trusted other.
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Let go of the false self. It is common in a shame-based family for children to develop a false sense of self. This self hopes to avoid assaults on one’s character by being compliant, adaptive, and non-disruptive. Reclaim your authentic self by identifying and talking about what you love, desire, and need.
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Grieve. Your innate worth as a human being was regularly under siege. You lost your right to be seen and treated with kindness, respect, and encouragement. Let yourself be sad and angry. These losses may reflect abuse or neglect, which are equally harmful.
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Practice an interior welcome. Welcome all of you. Welcome is the antidote for shame. Welcome your anger, your fear, jealousy, sadness, and whatever you encounter in your interior world. Be mindful, you can have all of your emotions without acting on any of them.
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Write a letter to the perpetrator. It’s a letter you don’t need to send. Clarify how you may have taken on the shame of the perpetrator and give it back to them. Describe how deeply hurt you were. Emphasize how much you deserved to be treated lovingly and the ways that did not happen. Let the perpetrator know what you’re going to do now to reclaim your right to be heard, seen, and loved.
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Establish good boundaries. Being shamed was a violation of your boundaries. Repair this violation by saying “no” and “yes” genuinely to what others expect or want from you. And honor the boundaries of others.
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Interrupt the compensation of perfectionism. It is easy to compensate for internalized shame by attaching to perfectionism. Trying to be perfect is another way to assault your humanity, since being perfect isn’t human.
You are not meant to live a life of shame. Your parents were likely raised in shame, and the legacy was reproduced, harming you. Supportive legacies are meant to be reproduced. Those that are harmful are meant to be interrupted. Interrupt the shame legacy and give yourself the gift of your essential goodness.
